Jokes

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said "Thanks." I said "Don't mention it."

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying - it seemed very important to him that I have it.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

My friend says to me, "Nothing rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."

And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.

How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb? Is it one or two? One... or two?

What do we want? Low flying airplane noises! When do we want them? NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.

How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It's shift work.

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

Wife says to her programmer husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen." Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.

Knock Knock Who's There? Dishes Dishes Who? Dishes Sean Connery.

Two people meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other person replies "You are on the other side!"

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line. The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do!

My friends say there's a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.

I've been told I'm condescending. (that means I talk down to people)

How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.

What's ET short for? He's only got little legs.

Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.

Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date. I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on their date.

A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”

What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.

I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!

The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”

“This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.”

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

I hate Russian dolls…so full of themselves.

What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s only got little legs.

“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes whack “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” whack

What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

I went on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Never again.

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

There’s no “I” in Denial.

Can someone please shed more light on how my lamp got stolen?

What do dentists call X-rays? Tooth pics.

Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’? There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.

Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

What did the left eye say to the right eye? “Between you and me, something smells.”

Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.

Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!

Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

Dry erase boards are remarkable.

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

Have I told you this deja vu joke before?

Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.

Learn sign language, it’s very handy.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.

Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Nostalgia just isn’t what it used to be.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

What do you call bears with no ears? B.

What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Why do French people eat snails? They don’t like fast food.

I invented a new word today: Plagiarism.

How does a rabbi make coffee? Hebrews it!

Rest in peace boiling water. You will be mist.

Two artists had an art contest It ended in a draw!

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick!

You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.

I tried to sre the airport for misplacing my luggage I lost my case.

What does your father do for a living? He is a magician. He cuts people in two. Do you have any brothers or sisters? Yes, one half-brother and one half-sister....

Adam and Eve were naming animals. Adam saw a big creature with a horn on its face and said, "What shall we call this one?" "Why don't we call it a rhinoceros"? "But, why?" "Because it looks more like a rhinoceros than anything we've seen so far."

It got cold in Minnesota and the nudist camp put out a sign: "We are open but we are clothed".

There was a midget who joined a nudist colony but he was asked to leave because he kept poking his nose into everybody's business.

They found a big hole in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio. The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

The man and wife walked out of divorce court in Mississippi and the man said, "Stop crying. So we got a divorce-----You're still my cousin!"

So there was the robber who broke into the public radio station and stole a hundred thousand dollars worth of pledges.

You can say what you like about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly past schools and playgrounds.

I wrote a single entendre but it wasn't funny at all, so I put two of them together...if you know what I mean.

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'" The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, whisper in my ear."

Management was trying to make us a paperless office and then they gave us a paperless bathroom.

A man walked into work on Monday with a black eye. His boss asked what happened. The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and glared at me." "Where did you get the shiner?" the boss asked. "Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? Maybe he is having an affair. I know he's fishing because he never comes back with any fish.

An Agnostic and an Atheist were married and had a real problem. They couldn't decide which religion not to raise their children in.

What should you do if you're attacked by a gang of clowns? Go for the juggler.

Cross country skiing is easier if you live in a small country.

Why can't you starve to death in the desert? Because of all the sand which is there.

How do the Amish hunt? They sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it.

A guy runs into a bank, whips out his gun and screams, "Everyone get on the floor or you're all Geography" Don't you mean History? Don't change the subject.

There is a beautiful white bear in the zoo who, some days, is very playful and friendly and other days he just lies in a dark corner and doesn't move. He's a bipolar bear.

Julius Caesar walks into a bar. "I'll have a martinus," he says. The Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a 'martini'?" "Look. If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"

An 82-year-old Boston man went to the doctor to get a physical and came home to his wife and said, The doctor told me I have a hot mama." His wife said, "I think he meant heart murmur."

The blonde joined Facebook and saw that her password had to be at least 8 characters long, so she chose: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

In what state was Abraham Lincoln born? Naked and screaming like the rest of us.

It's terrible for a singer to realize that he can never sing again, but it's even worse if he doesn't realize it.

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? A roaming catholic.

A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says, "Just this once." Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her. She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."

The only way I can communicate with my kids is by using Facebook. How's that working out? It's like talking to a wall!

There was a pilot coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog when his instruments went out. He was circling around and he saw a tall building with a guy working alone on the top floor. He cut the engine and rolled down the window and yelled, "Hey where am I?" The man said, "You're in an airplane." The pilot made a 275 degree turn and brought the plane in for a perfect landing on the runway 5 miles away just as the fuel has run out. The passengers were amazed and asked how he did it. The pilot said, "It was easy. I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct an absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is five miles due East."

Coffee or tea, gentlemen? Coffee. Me, too. And be sure the cup is clean. Two coffees. Which one had the clean cup?

What do the guests do at a cannibal wedding? They toast the bride and groom.

I'm so old, whenever I eat out, they ask me for money up front.

I'm so old --- my sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and I say, "Honey, I can't do both!"

I was on the 18th green yesterday and I hooked the ball onto the highway right through the window of a school bus which swerved into a ditch and burst into flames. What did you do then? I closed my stance and shortened my backswing"

So a dog went into a bar and said, "Hey, look at me, a talking dog. How about a drink for a talking dog?" The bartender said, "Sure. The toilet's down the hall, first door to the right.

A penguin walked into a bar and said, "Has my father been in here today?" The bartender said, "I don't know, what does he look like?" The penguin said, "He was wearing a tuxedo."

Two cannibals walk into a bar in Prague and ask for separate Czechs.

A woman went to a lemon grove and the foreman thought she was underqualified. The foreman said, "Do you even have any experience picking lemons?" She said, "Yes, I've been divorced three times."

Two economists were sitting at a nudist colony. The one said, "Have you read Marx?" The other says, "Yes! It's these wicker chairs."

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.